Back in my day, when ties were skinny and pants were parachute, the rumor going around was that my peers were using hypodermic needles to inject oranges with vodka, so they could conceal alcohol on campus and get drunk without detection.
Funny thing was, even as much of a drinker as I was back then, I could never actually find anyone who was doing it. Lord knows I was willing to try. But the more I thought about it, the stupider it seemed. Oranges aren’t any easier to conceal than an airport-mini bottle of vodka. The orange and your breath still smell like alcohol. Finding a hypodermic needle in Nampa, Idaho, wasn’t an easy task. Peeling oranges is kind of a pain in the ass. Wouldn’t it just be easier to keep a flask in your locker (note: young people, we used to have lockers and didn’t have to haul 40lb. backpacks full of books all day) and take a shot between classes?
I don’t know what combination of sunspots, tidal forces, and groundhogs seeing their shadows causes these “latest teen drug craze” scare stories to crop up year after year. Just four years ago it was the “jenkem” craze – teens were allegedly huffing bags of fermented shit. last year, it was “i-dosing” – getting high off blinking lights and binaural beats. Now it seems the latest teen drug craze scare goes the other direction, if you will.
(KPHO) [School Resource Officer Chris] Thomas spends his days patrolling the halls of a Valley high school. He’s heard first hand how kids are getting tipsy.
“What we’re hearing about is teenagers utilizing tampons, soak them in vodka first before using them,” Thomas said.
“This is definitely not just girls,” Thomas said. “Guys will also use it and they’ll insert it into their rectums.”
Rather than the traditional beer bong you’d find at a college party, kids are sticking the tube elsewhere to get wasted.
They’re calling it “butt chugging.”
Rrrighttt… young teenage males, typically the most homophobic and self-conscious creatures on the planet, are dropping trou in front of their peers and inserting plastic tubes up their ass to chug beer. And the vodka tampons? Huffington Post reports that “the practice remains unverified despite multiple reports of incidents in the U.S. and elsewhere” and that a blogger “conducted her own informal trial to see whether the purported method worked“, where she notes the alcohol dissolves the glue and consistency of the tampon so much it couldn’t be inserted and that even if it were inserted, the burn you’d feel on your sensitive lady parts would not make this an enjoyable drunk. Plus, the idea that it would help teens avoid detection with no alcohol on their breath is false, as alcohol metabolizes in your breath no matter how you ingest it.
Another scare is that kids might be drinking bleach in order to beat drug testing:
(FOX TV 10) ”As far as kids go, if they fail a drug test, they get kicked off the team. A probationer – over at the probation office – they go back to jail. An employee, if they fail a drug test they may lose their job,” said [Sergeant Joe Mahoney with the Mobile County Sheriff's Office].
Not everyone scours the web for a drug test solution. Mahoney said some people look no further than under their kitchen sink.
“We have had cases where they have ingested straight bleach, and it caused significant damage to their body,” said Mahoney.
“There is more emphasis on drug testing in school, especially with sporting events and things like that, but there should be education to these Juveniles. You need to say ‘Yes, we are going to drug test and don’t try to mask it because if you do, you’re going to harm your body and this is what can happen,’” said Mahoney.
Only in the looking glass world of prohibition could we motivate kids to ingest something toxic in order to get away with ingesting something non-toxic. Rather than give the kids the truth about cannabis, we need to better educate them on the truth about chlorine bleach. It’s not drug testing them for any extra-curricular activities that leads them to drinking bleach that’s the problem, it’s that they aren’t well educated enough on the proper ways to beat a drug test, huh?
I think Soren Bowie, writing in Cracked, has the best take on these “latest teen drug craze” stories:
You’re part of that constituency that wants these completely ludicrous stories about teenagers to be real. There’s probably a similar story in your time about teens getting high by rubbing fermented breast milk in their eyes or something, and you’re ready to believe it. You want to believe it because there is a part of you that is hunting for a motive to be afraid of teens, even your teens, and that part of you is not interested in reason or logic. I just want you to understand why that is so that you can overcome it. Naturally, facts and explanations won’t do much to sway you, but I’m hoping that by writing this down now, you will remember it all in the future and realize why your hostility toward teens is making you an idiot and a bad person.