APRIL 1, 2009: The DEA and the Border Patrol, acting on anonymous tips from an informant calling himself “Tennessee Tuxedo”, have arrested former president of the United States George W. Bush at the Texas/Mexico border crossing at Juarez for allegedly trafficking large amounts of marijuana.
Border Patrol agents announced the seizure of 420 lbs. (190.5 kg) of high quality indoor hydroponic marijuana from a large Winnebago travel trailer driven by the 43rd president and his wife, Laura, as they attempted to cross the border into Mexico. According to Border Patrol spokesperson Lt. April Phewls, agents became suspicious when the former president appeared groggy and unresponsive to their attempts to speak with the former world leader.
“Our agents were excited to meet Mr. Bush,” said Lt. Phewls, “and quickly gained permission from attending Secret Service agents to approach the driver’s side window of the Winnebago. Upon speaking with the president, however, our sharp-eyed agents noticed the tell-tale orange fingertips of a compulsive Cheetos habit. Mr. Bush’s eyes were glazed and somewhat bloodshot, and he kept inviting agents into his Winnebago to listen to ‘some killer jams from my band’s new demo’.”
Lt. Phewls continued, “Mrs. Bush also seemed out of sorts, giggling uncontrollably once she discovered one of our agents was named Harold Balz. We asked the former president and first lady to exit the vehicle, which they did, somewhat clumsily. Upon searching the Winnebago with drug-detecting K-9 units, we found the 420 pounds of contraband hidden in various professionally-manufactured hidden compartments.”
Unlike the typical border seizure of Mexican “brick weed” coming into the United States, DEA noted the rarity of transporting quality American and Canadian marijuana into Mexico. Sgt. Ray L. Stedenko of DEA commented that “it appears the former president and first lady were headed to Spring Break in Cancun and had brought the quantites of marijuana along in an attempt to curry favor with the young Americans who flock to the Mexican resort destination. We found hastily scribbled plans on a Cheetos-stained 7-Eleven napkin entitled ‘Operation Cool Ganja Dude’ which detailed the idea of distributing ‘killer green buds’ to all of the ‘dudes and shorties’ attending Spring Break, so that the students would find Mr. Bush ‘gnarly’.”
Federal and Texas state authorities released Mr. & Mrs. Bush on their own recognizance, but gave Mr. Bush an Xbox video game machine and a copy of the online collaboration game “Halo” and asked him to “just chill out in Houston for a bit.” The DEA and Border Patrol agents then took all 416 pounds of the marijuana and destroyed all 408 pounds of it by fire. It is not expected that authorities will file any charges against Mr. & Mrs. Bush for trafficking in 402 pounds of high-quality marijuana.
The DEA is trying to identify informant “Tennessee Tuxedo”. The caller spoke with a southern accent and seemed to sigh often during his call. One clue that might aid in the search is that everytime DEA said the former president’s name, the caller would blurt out profanities, call him “loser”, and every so often he would mutter, “f***in Scalia!” Anyone with any information as to “Tennessee Tuxedo””s identity is asked to call the DEA at 1-800-APR-FOOL.