HONOLULU - At a press conference today, Honolulu Police Chief Louis M. Kealoha revealed a warrant issued for the arrest of President Barack Obama on charges of cocaine and marijuana distribution.
Chief Kealoha stood with copies of Mr. Obama’s memoir, Dreams from my Father. Police spokesman Jeffrey Spicoli recited the passages where the president recounted his drug crimes as a teenager at the exclusive Punahou prep school in Honolulu:
I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years. Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it.
I had discovered that it didn’t make any difference whether you smoked reefer in a white classmate’s sparkling new van, or in the dorm room of some brother you’d met down at the gym, or on the beach with a couple of Hawaiian kids.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney briefly dismissed news of the arrest warrant. He told reporters that the president was forthright about his youthful indiscretions in interviews as well as his books, but that the statute of limitations on crimes of drug possession and distribution have since passed.
Chief Kealoha brushed aside Mr. Carney’s concerns about Mr. Obama’s youthful cocaine and marijuana use. He noted the president’s continued rejection of drug legalization means Honolulu police officers are charged with arresting young people no different than a young Barry Obama.
The chief observed that since becoming president, Mr. Obama has not taken a drug test. ”If we’re going to ask something from you,” Keahola told a young reporter, “we ourselves need to be ready to do it ourselves.” Mandatory Guidelines for Federal Workplace Drug Testing are available for many of Mr. Obama’s employees in the Executive Branch but no one has verified that Mr. Obama can pass a drug test, Kealoha explained.
The chief believes Mr. Obama’s admitted use and distribution of cocaine and marijuana to minors make him a prime suspect for continued drug abuse. The chief pointed to Mr. Obama’s failure to accompany his family on a December trip to Oahu as evidence the president was aware of the forthcoming Hawaiian warrant and chose to avoid the bad publicity.
The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) reference for Hawaiian marijuana laws states that Mr. Obama’s distribution of marijuana, if it happened today, would be a misdemeanor, punishable by up to one year in prison and a fine of up to $2,000. Any amount of marijuana greater than one ounce is a felony punishable by up to 5 years in jail and a fine of up to $10,000. The possession and distribution of any amount cocaine by Mr. Obama, according to CriminalDefenseLawyer.com, would be a felony with a possible 5 year prison term; for an eighth-ounce it’s 10 years and if Mr. Obama possessed an ounce or more of cocaine in Hawaii today, he could face 20 years in prison.
Even on April Fool’s Day.