The evidence

HONOLULU - At a press conference today, Honolulu Police Chief Louis M. Kealoha revealed a warrant issued for the arrest of President Barack Obama on charges of cocaine and marijuana distribution.

Chief Kealoha stood with copies of Mr. Obama’s memoir, Dreams from my Father. Police spokesman Jeffrey Spicoli recited the passages where the president recounted his drug crimes as a teenager at the exclusive Punahou prep school in Honolulu:

I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years. Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it.

I had discovered that it didn’t make any difference whether you smoked reefer in a white classmate’s sparkling new van, or in the dorm room of some brother you’d met down at the gym, or on the beach with a couple of Hawaiian kids.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney briefly dismissed news of the arrest warrant.  He told reporters that the president was forthright about his youthful indiscretions in interviews as well as his books, but that the statute of limitations on crimes of drug possession and distribution have since passed.

Chief Kealoha brushed aside Mr. Carney’s concerns about Mr. Obama’s youthful cocaine and marijuana use.  He noted the president’s continued rejection of drug legalization means Honolulu police officers are charged with arresting young people no different than a young Barry Obama.

The chief observed that since becoming president, Mr. Obama has not taken a drug test.  ”If we’re going to ask something from you,” Keahola told a young reporter, “we ourselves need to be ready to do it ourselves.”  Mandatory Guidelines for Federal Workplace Drug Testing are available for many of Mr. Obama’s employees in the Executive Branch but no one has verified that Mr. Obama can pass a drug test, Kealoha explained.

The chief believes Mr. Obama’s admitted use and distribution of cocaine and marijuana to minors make him a prime suspect for continued drug abuse.  The chief pointed to Mr. Obama’s failure to accompany his family on a December trip to Oahu as evidence the president was aware of the forthcoming Hawaiian warrant and chose to avoid the bad publicity.

The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) reference for Hawaiian marijuana laws states that Mr. Obama’s distribution of marijuana, if it happened today, would be a misdemeanor, punishable by up to one year in prison and a fine of up to $2,000. Any amount of marijuana greater than one ounce is a felony punishable by up to 5 years in jail and a fine of up to $10,000.  The possession and distribution of any amount cocaine by Mr. Obama, according to CriminalDefenseLawyer.com, would be a felony with a possible 5 year prison term; for an eighth-ounce it’s 10 years and if Mr. Obama possessed an ounce or more of cocaine in Hawaii today, he could face 20 years in prison.

Even on April Fool’s Day.

DATELINE:NEW_YORK — A new satellite went into orbit today in a new front on the War on Drugs. The satellite is called NARCO (Nick All Reefer COld) and it is expected to shock marijuana smokers out of the habit. NARCO can instantly detect any burning cannabis in the world. Police departments are preparing for mass arrests, once data begins coming in from the satellite.

NARCO was ordered built by a joint session of Congress in a rare all-night session. Red-eyed lawmakers approved funding for NARCO after smoking the peace-pipe and the satellite was born.

NARCO can see you rolling that joint!

NARCO can find pot smokers up to 10 miles underground. NARCO also has a built in GPS system to track any pot smokers that try to escape. Local police bureaus and the DEA are notified of the crime and an arrest warrant is immediately made. Thousands of arrests are anticipated by the end of today.

NASA is already busy working to upgrade NARCO. Laser beam guns will be installed on the satellite in May. The lasers will be used to vaporize any potsmoker and anyone around them.

Pot smokers reacted with shock and awe today, and wondered if it was simply paranoia. Many pot smokers heard an electronic voice in the distance when they looked at the sky.

“Pot smoker, this is NARCO. Do not resist. The police are coming to get you! DO NOT RESIST!”

Although a little late for April Fools day, this could be a reality if America doesn’t do something soon to stop the marijuana prohibition.

Source: http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s3i51844

At President Obama’s last minute request, the G20 Summit has reconvened in Amsterdam. Obama’s request seems tied to the surprise marijuana legalization announcement by US Attorney General Eric Holder earlier today. Obama said,

I can’t believe he did that while I was gone. I also don’t believe he is holding. AG Holder is worse than Snoop Dogg in ‘Halfbaked‘ when it comes to having his own weed.

President Obama also thought that the world class marijuana available in Amsterdam would help pave the way to a better and deeper understanding between world leaders. He also really likes french fries with mayonnaise which is a Dutch specialty. Or so he was told by German Chancellor Angela Merkel who was rebuked by him when trying to get fries off his plate. President Obama quoted from his book, Dreams of My Father, and said

Buy your own damn fries!

* April’s Fool!

Washington, D.C. – Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that marijuana would be made legal once again under federal law. When questioned on this surprise action, Mr. Holder said

“It is imperative that we do this while President Obama is out of the country. Plus I’m holding, so there’s that too.”

Calls to the White House for a response from spokesman Robert Gibbs were initially not returned. When Gibbs was finally reached he giggled,

“Sorry, kept dropping the damn phone. Um, yes, what what’s his name … damn … Holder! That’s it, Holder. Yeah, that’s totally cool with us here. Anyway, that made making a change to a portion of the White House garden a priority. And you should see the clones we planted at the National Arbouretum. It’s gonna be swee …”.

The call (or phone) dropped again at his point.

Confirmation calls have been placed to President Obama who is in London for the G20 meetings with world leaders discussing the dire world financial situation.

* April’s Fool!

Former President George W. Bush

George W. Bush quoted in the Washington Post

APRIL 1, 2009: The DEA and the Border Patrol, acting on anonymous tips from an informant calling himself “Tennessee Tuxedo”, have arrested former president of the United States George W. Bush at the Texas/Mexico border crossing at Juarez for allegedly trafficking large amounts of marijuana.

Border Patrol agents announced the seizure of 420 lbs. (190.5 kg) of high quality indoor hydroponic marijuana from a large Winnebago travel trailer driven by the 43rd president and his wife, Laura, as they attempted to cross the border into Mexico.  According to Border Patrol spokesperson Lt. April Phewls, agents became suspicious when the former president appeared groggy and unresponsive to their attempts to speak with the former world leader.

“Our agents were excited to meet Mr. Bush,” said Lt. Phewls, “and quickly gained permission from attending Secret Service agents to approach the driver’s side window of the Winnebago.  Upon speaking with the president, however, our sharp-eyed agents noticed the tell-tale orange fingertips of a compulsive Cheetos habit.  Mr. Bush’s eyes were glazed and somewhat bloodshot, and he kept inviting agents into his Winnebago to listen to ‘some killer jams from my band’s new demo’.”

Lt. Phewls continued, “Mrs. Bush also seemed out of sorts, giggling uncontrollably once she discovered one of our agents was named Harold Balz.  We asked the former president and first lady to exit the vehicle, which they did, somewhat clumsily.  Upon searching the Winnebago with drug-detecting K-9 units, we found the 420 pounds of contraband hidden in various professionally-manufactured hidden compartments.”

Unlike the typical border seizure of Mexican “brick weed” coming into the United States, DEA noted the rarity of transporting quality American and Canadian marijuana into Mexico.  Sgt. Ray L. Stedenko of DEA commented that “it appears the former president and first lady were headed to Spring Break in Cancun and had brought the quantites of marijuana along in an attempt to curry favor with the young Americans who flock to the Mexican resort destination.  We found hastily scribbled plans on a Cheetos-stained 7-Eleven napkin entitled ‘Operation Cool Ganja Dude’ which detailed the idea of distributing ‘killer green buds’ to all of the ‘dudes and shorties’ attending Spring Break, so that the students would find Mr. Bush ‘gnarly’.”

Federal and Texas state authorities released Mr. & Mrs. Bush on their own recognizance, but gave Mr. Bush an Xbox video game machine and a copy of the online collaboration game “Halo” and asked him to “just chill out in Houston for a bit.”  The DEA and Border Patrol agents then took all 416 pounds of the marijuana and destroyed all 408 pounds of it by fire.  It is not expected that authorities will file any charges against Mr. & Mrs. Bush for trafficking in 402 pounds of high-quality marijuana.

The DEA is trying to identify informant “Tennessee Tuxedo”.  The caller spoke with a southern accent and seemed to sigh often during his call.  One clue that might aid in the search is that everytime DEA said the former president’s name, the caller would blurt out profanities, call him “loser”, and every so often he would mutter, “f***in Scalia!”  Anyone with any information as to “Tennessee Tuxedo””s identity is asked to call the DEA at 1-800-APR-FOOL.

WOODCOCK, BRITISH COLUMBIA – Researchers at the Royal Canadian University of Woodcock’s John Holmes School of Urology have discovered evidence that the new super-potent strains of marijuana known as “BC Bud”, “the chronic”, or “skunk” have potentially undesirable effects for male marijuana smokers.

The lead researcher, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz, stated that he studied 1,420 male marijuana smokers over a period of six months. The subjects were divided into a group that received 20 grams per day of high-potency marijuana – the so-called “sticky-icky” – and another group of control subjects that were given 20 grams per day of low-potency grass, otherwise known as “schwag”.

Dr. Boombatz found that after six months of the high-potency marijuana, measuring up to 20% pure THC, 85% of the men experienced an increase in the length and girth of their male anatomy. Median growth was two centimeters in length and one centimeter in girth, but almost 5% of the men experienced growth of more than twice those figures.

“When the news of this latest finding about the harms of marijuana hits home,” said Dr. Boombatz, “we can only hope that our young people will finally understand just how dangerous these ‘skunk’ forms of marijuana can be. This isn’t like the pot of the 1960s!”

Dr. Boombatz tells parents the warning signs of your teenage boys’ addiction to “BC Bud” can include obvious discomfort while wearing tight jeans, hidden purchases of “Magnum” condoms, and an inordinate amount of attention from cheerleaders. Parents in Southern California’s San Fernando Valley are particularly warned to investigate further if their son says he’s gotten a job “in the movies”.

This announcement comes one year to the day of Dr. Boombatz’s dramatic discovery last year that girls who smoke bongs are six times sexier than girls who smoke cigarettes.

Hmmm… I must be smoking some schwaggy weed…

President Bush cited the fact that he himself once used marijuana, as did former President Bill Clinton, as well as Mr. Bush’s prior opponents, Vice President Al Gore and Senator John Kerry. Mr. Bush said the move to legalize marijuana is part of an overall harm reduction measure with respect to drugs that he wishes to leave as his legacy. The president recognizes that America will never truly be “drug free”, so instead, he has signed this Executive Order in order for the DEA to concentrate on controlling the more harmful, “harder” drugs. Said Mr. Bush, “One major responsibility is to encourage people to use less drugs.”

While this move makes marijuana legal at the federal level, cannabis enthusiasts are reminded that this Executive Order does not overturn the laws in the fifty states that regulate marijuana, except for those states whose statutes take their drug definitions directly from the federal schedule. Attorneys throughout the country are scrambling to determine exactly what the status of marijuana will now become in their respective states.

The candidates for president reacted to the new Executive Order re-legalizing marijuana. Senator Barack Obama, who has admitted to smoking marijuana in his past, addressed some leaders in the African-American community who have condemned the move as the Bush administration abandoning poor minority communities to the scourge of drugs. Mr. Obama said, “To condemn it without understanding its roots only serves to widen the chasm of misunderstanding that exists between the races.”

Senator Hillary Clinton, whose husband famously said, “I did not inhale” when asked about his marijuana use, praised the Executive Order, but cautioned that it won’t mean a whole lot if the states do not follow suit and repeal their statutes against marijuana possession, since most marijuana arrests occur at the state level. “I personally do not think it made any difference,” said the former First Lady, “you know, it’s clear, this is not going to count for anything.”

Senator John McCain was asked about the president’s order to re-legalize marijuana and whether he thought this should lead Congress to consider the possibility of reducing the penalties on other illegal substances. Mr. McCain said, “I believe that this is a possibility that is maybe closer to reality than we are discussing tonight.”

Then “Radical” Russ woke up and realized that today is April Fools Day and he was only dreaming the news that he wishes he could someday read on the air…