This morning I was answering a comment on my Drug Testing story. It led me to a concept that I thought I’d share as a post. — “R”R
Imagine you’ve walked into a job interview. Everything’s gone well, your résumé is impeccable, your personalities fit, the job is a perfect fit for you and you are a perfect fit for the company.
Then your potential boss says, “Oh, and one more thing. We don’t hire child molesters here.”
OK, you think. That’s weird. “Heh heh,” you laugh uncomfortably, “well, that’s a good thing, I guess, since I’m not a child molester.”
He continues. “We have a Molester-Free Workplace policy here. I need you to please go behind that curtain there and take off your pants.”
“Excuse me?!?”
“It’s just part of our Molester test. Don’t worry it is standard procedure. Your privacy is maintained, just step behind the curtain, no one will see you. Just strap on the plethysmograph…”
“The what?”
“The plethysmograph. It’s that little thing back there that looks like a mini blood pressure cuff. Just strap that onto your penis…”
“What?!?”
“…it measures the volume of penile engorgement. While you’re wearing the plethysmograph, we’ll also have you put on those stereovision goggles. Then you’ll see various images, like a flower, a car, a house, and every so often, a naked child. If the plethysmograph registers no change in erectile function, we know you’re not a child molester and we can finalize this job offer. It’s just a one-time test; everyone that works here, including me, has had to take it.”
Would you want to work for that company? What does it say about the beginning of a relationship when the person with the power in that relationship begins it by accusing you of not only being a criminal, but being a social deviant as well? What does it say about your job when your résumé isn’t as important as your penis? (Unless you’re a porn star, that is.)
That’s what it is to take a pre-employment urine test. Your boss is essentially accusing you from the very beginning of being a criminal and a liar. You’re guilty of being a “druggie” until proven innocent. I think it was George Carlin who asked, “if the drug test wasn’t ‘pee in a cup’ and instead it was ’shit in a bag’, do you think they’d be so popular?” Drug tests, when you really think about it, are disgusting.
When someone can give me the argument that would convince Benjamin Franklin he needs to pee in a cup to get a job, I’ll take another pee test.
Of course, I will need a urine sample from each of your employees before I can accept the job offer.
-ED
Sure I’ll give you a urine sample, you can wring it out of your pant leg.
-ED
One day I would love to go in for an interview and just rip into the guy about the violation of privacy a urine test is. Ask him why he isn’t interested in checking for alcohol. Tell him he is an ignorant asshole if he thinks marijuana use is the gateway to being a bad employee.
“This is a drug-free workplace. Do you want sugar in your coffee?”
“We are an Equal Opportunity Employer, but if you’re a man you’ll have to cut your hair.”
“There’s no obligation to contribute to ____, but our company has always had 100% participation.”
Isn’t corporate life grand?
Government railroad. Now leaving on track 420.
All aboard!
What if the public refused to take the tests en mass? Thumbed their nose at the insurance dolts.
Just what if.
Kinda like what if every toker took to the streets until their legislators listened to them.
Just what if.
As they say in the islands, “Soon come”.
This is pretty good. This would have been a good read for Schauffler in Happy Valley.